I’ve learned that women can be jerks too.
You know the ones who try to play “the okie doke.” For example, the “friend” who asks you to pick her daughter up from after care to be retrieved an hour or so later from your home but doesn’t until four and a half hours later (i.e. after 10pm on a school night). The reward for inconveniencing you and your perfect children? “You would save my life!”
Then 2 weeks later, said friend approaches you again for similar favor, but this time with a twist. Not only does she want you to pick her daughter up from after care, but now she wants to drop said child off at your home at 7am to catch the school bus at 8:05am. So that friend, can travel out of state, for a business meeting that she “thinks”she’ll be returning from on the same day. Afterall, I would be such a life saver!!!
No matter, that she knows I’d have drive all of the children to the daycare to drop my son off before even tackling the school bus.
I told friend that while I empathized with her situation–like herself, being a single parent and all, I couldn’t handle three children in the morning under such time constraints and recommended that she pay the $40 before care fee for the day. As a show of goodwill, I offered to help her with after care pick up if she was willing to observe my pick up guidelines.
Her rigid back the next day made it clear that she did not expect such a response from a lifesaver.
I guess I’m not that sweet.
My name is lovelydated and I’m a co-dependent. Recovering co-dependent, really. A co-dependent is roughly defined as someone who values a relationship more than themselves. Despite spending a greater part of my life suffering from sub-clinical levels of low confidence, I was nonetheless, surprised to learn that my co-dependent tendencies were rooted in low self esteem, probably originating from childhood. Given these descriptors, I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that we are legion, albeit with unique variations.
As background, I’ve experienced serial romantic relationships with men who on the surface couldn’t have been more different; camera man, investment banker, multi-specialty surgeon, rich man, poor man, beggar-man, thief, sensitive, arrogant, family oriented, narcissistic…the list goes on. The relationships followed a predictable pattern–me doing everything to please a modern day Oliver Twist (i.e. the dependent partner) who kept asking for more, in re-entry rhythm fashion–with similiar dire results. After a while, I could no longer deny that the common denominator in all the relationships was me. When I complained to a friend that I was a magnet for dependent-type men, he said, “Um, no hon–YOU are the one choosing the men.”
What I’m learning as I continue dating myself, is that to love others you have to first love yourself. And to love yourself you have to be willing to walk away from the ones you love. It’s about setting boundaries.
The struggle continues…