I told him I loved him that I worshipped him that with him I was in absolute rapture. It was…Portuguese love a la Teena Marie.
Through the months we made French love and the German love–didn’t hurt, not really. And if I’d been a boy, you could say we made Greek love. But in the end the only kind of love he wanted was English love–you know, Shakespearian.
The kind of love he’d had with her.
Everything I focused on this year happened! I was successful with the things I fully believed I could do and those things I didn’t believe I could do–well, I was equally successful, in not achieving them.
Over the years I’d developed a strange relationship with men–one focused on co-dependency. It’s a role I’m very good at and it’s a behavior that ensured I’d terminate the relationship, after I’ve proved that I’m a victim and the men are perpetrators.
While I don’t really understand why I choose dependent men, I understand I can model my behavior and set boundaries so that I’ve a better chance at creating more successful relationships, including a more successful relationship with myself.
After reading Lost and Found by Geneen Roth, I thought of how I could change certain tracks in my life story by changing some ingrained beliefs, even if it means making myself very, very uncomfortable. The track I’ll change is the one that says romantic relationships don’t last, or if they do, the people in them aren’t happy, or if they are happy it’s because the people are somehow special.
Despite having had some really great relationship experiences, I’d constantly focused on the bad experiences and sabotaged future interactions. By ignoring the good I’d doomed myself to relationship purgatory. I now realize that to move forward I’ve to replace the bad memories with good ones, daily.
While, it’s true old habits are hard to break, it’s also true that practice makes perfect. I plan to practice in the quiet hours–the first few thoughts in the morning when I awake, and the last few thoughts at night before I sleep.
You know why? Because everything I focus on happens…
Relationships are great, but if you’re in them for the wrong reasons, not so much.
Early this year I stopped dating others, and made a conscious decision to start dating myself. Through this process I’ve come to realize that all these year’s I’ve used serial relationships to drown out the normal dissonance that occurs in life.
Now, I deal with the dissonance by accepting it, changing it, or leaving it–but, no longer by ignoring it.
If I had to do it all again, I’d want to be the man in ALL of my relationships.