Everything I focused on this year happened! I was successful with the things I fully believed I could do and those things I didn’t believe I could do–well, I was equally successful, in not achieving them.
Over the years I’d developed a strange relationship with men–one focused on co-dependency. It’s a role I’m very good at and it’s a behavior that ensured I’d terminate the relationship, after I’ve proved that I’m a victim and the men are perpetrators.
While I don’t really understand why I choose dependent men, I understand I can model my behavior and set boundaries so that I’ve a better chance at creating more successful relationships, including a more successful relationship with myself.
After reading Lost and Found by Geneen Roth, I thought of how I could change certain tracks in my life story by changing some ingrained beliefs, even if it means making myself very, very uncomfortable. The track I’ll change is the one that says romantic relationships don’t last, or if they do, the people in them aren’t happy, or if they are happy it’s because the people are somehow special.
Despite having had some really great relationship experiences, I’d constantly focused on the bad experiences and sabotaged future interactions. By ignoring the good I’d doomed myself to relationship purgatory. I now realize that to move forward I’ve to replace the bad memories with good ones, daily.
While, it’s true old habits are hard to break, it’s also true that practice makes perfect. I plan to practice in the quiet hours–the first few thoughts in the morning when I awake, and the last few thoughts at night before I sleep.
You know why? Because everything I focus on happens…
Yesterday was a trying day–the leasing manager at the new place has been requesting seemingly myriad documents prior to move in. This was after having met every requirement on the new application check list (in my opinion,) including possession of a good credit score, and last year’s W2 demonstrating proof of income.
Her most recent request (sent to my company email address) was for a letter from my manager verifying my place of work and income, or four recent pay stubs. This was after she’d declined, to use my company’s employment and income verification process. It was the last straw, and I found myself mighty tiffed off, with steam coming out of my ears. Somehow my sunny day turned blue, and my first, (second, and third) inclination was to shoot back a sarcastic email in response to her request. But this was one of only two flats in the area feeding into a good elementary school system–something very important to me.
I decided to uncover the real reason why I was upset. I decided it’s because for fifteen years, I’d been a responsible home owner until, the recent recession, when I was laid off, while expecting my second child in the middle of an ugly divorce. Unable to sell my house in a poor housing market, my house went into foreclosure three years ago.
Then I thought about how far I’ve come in the past three years–new job, healthy, happy, perfect children, and a simpler, adventure filled life full of possibilities. Finally, I thought about the outcome I’m seeking to achieve–putting my children in a good school so that they have a good educational foundation.
The clouds broke and a ray of sunlight shone through. I took a deep breath, and sent the leasing manager an email devoid of commentary, with four recent paystubs attached.
I received a single response in return: Thanks.
If I had to do it all again, I’d want to be the man in ALL of my relationships.