Gamine by nature

After a little accident by a former hair stylist, I headed to the Red Door salon in Chevy Chase in search of damage control.

I’d been “growing” my hair the past year to…regain my sexy after a failed love affair. A year ago my ex-boyfriend, who didn’t know me when I had long hair told me that he preferred me with long hair after seeing a picture of me from 10 years ago. His insensitive comment really affected my self esteem. What I should’ve said at the time was that I understood and that I too preferred his picture from 10 years ago and what you see now is what you get! Instead, I did what many women do, I tried to change myself to please him and the relationship ended for other reasons. Since it was never really about the long hair, of course.

Anyhoo back to my story, post hair consultation, the stylist asks “so you want me to give you a cute short hair cut?” I nodded and thought briefly of my dating prospects this year. But then I remembered that before the ex. my pixie hair style seemed to attract more attention.

Later, in the ladies room, a fellow customer said “you have such beautiful eyes! I was staring at you in the other room and saying to myself how I wished I looked like that!” I was surprised and actually looked into the mirror–she was right, my features are enhanced. I left the facility full of renewed confidence, after flirting with the parking garage attendent.

My outward gamine appearance now better matches my free spirit nature.

Sometimes we need to see ourselves through the eyes of another to fully appreciate our beauty and sometimes…we don’t.

Mommy dearest

Yesterday my 5 year old received some vaccinations to get her up to date for school. Last night, she experience fever as a result. As I cared for her, tenderly mopping her brow with a cool damp cloth she said “Mommy you are being SO good. Can you be this good all the time?”

I thought “WHAT THE F____?”

Living in technicolor

My 5 year old daughter was off school today so we spent the day bonding–just being girls. I took her along with me to the hair salon, afterwards we headed over to Home Depot to get much needed bedroom lighting.

Right away she spotted two different floor lamps both with multi-colored shades–one more suitable for children, the other more grown up. I eagerly put the floor lamp for her bedroom in the cart, and despite really liking her selection for my room, went instead with a safer choice–a brushed nickel floor lamp.

When we arrived at the checkout the saleswoman applauded my daughter’s choice for her room and stated enthusiastically, that it was a choice she’d make for her own bedroom, even as a grown up.

I reflected on how much more I’d preferred my daughter’s selection for my room. Yet I’d gone with a safer, more conservative choice, to avoid risk. I mean, really…it’s just lighting!

I also thought about easily we allow the color in our lives to seep away when we become adults, by consistently sticking to ‘safe’ decisions, including those with few consequences.

So, I told the saleswoman to wait…that I had to make a switch real quick.

When my daughter and I returned home, I was thrilled to see how perfectly the new floor lamp picked up the colors from my primal quilt.

This small detail brought my bedroom to life!

Clemency, your honor

I feel enormous guilt for burdening my perfect children with a father who doesn’t want them, a grandmother too abused to fully show the love she has for them, three dead grandparents, and an undeserving substitute.

How do I move forward and create a new story for them?

Trust Inside

I used to give my trust quickly and without discretion, asking nothing in return–very much like the gift that was not appreciated because of its (lack of) presentation.

Resulting bad experiences would lead me to have feelings of low self worth, and eventually I stopped trusting myself and could no longer rely on my own judgement.

Disappointed, I eventually learned not to trust others at all–giving up a key ingredient to enjoying life.  

I’ve since learned that trust is earned–a thing of consideration, if you will. It should build over time and eventually reach a tipping point where it’s either given freely… or not at all.

But when it comes to trusting yourself–do it absolutely without hesitation.

Pineapple and chocolate

I dreamed for years about the perfect bed. I envisioned majestic, luxurious, romantic nights of impassioned lovemaking in that bed. I saved and saved, and then I found it–an Ethan Allen British Classics Montego Canopy bed, California King size. A four poster bed of carved mahogany with pineapple finials, that’d look right at home in the antebellum south. The bed was so big, it had its own wardrobe for linens.

Once lovers experienced it, they’d invite themselves to spend the night. And the next night, and the next. Proposals, marriages, and other longer term relationships were built around that bed. A bed that no longer felt my own.

Today the bed I call my own is a vintage brass and iron bed–Queen size. Dressed in linens and a primal quilt.

In which I feed myself pineapple and chocolate.